Grief.

If anyone tries to tell you the mourning experience from grief is linear, I would have to vehemently oppose this opinion. Grief from loss is at best cyclical and at worst, or more often, it’s a twisting, turning, bumpy path where timing is not predictable. And, it can happen in response to many things.

The loss of a loved one, loss of a dream, betrayal in marriage, closure of a business or job, another month of not getting pregnant, loss of physical, mental or emotional health. The reason why it’s so painful, especially if it’s sudden, is the sense of broken identity. There is an emotional attachment to this person or thing that has become part of who we are.

Grief has no timeline

For me it was the unbelievable shock that the marriage I thought I had was not as it appeared. After my husband’s confession of infidelity my shattered heart experienced the grieving process and gamut of natural emotional responses. First was shock and denial then anger, extreme sorrow, depression (which I tried to suppress because my pride didn’t want to admit this mental instability), then eventual surrender, acceptance and recovery. There was no timeline in mourning this loss even though I gave myself three months to go through the emotions then that would be it, you know, I’ll blow my nose, wipe my tears and ‘move on’ because that’s how we did things in my family. Stay strong. Don’t let them see your weakness, don’t talk about it, keep these intimate details of your life private. Ha! Three months came and went and I was still reeling.Grief has no timeline. Each journey is unique.

I would get sideswiped by shock again and again even five years into recovery. I’d have moments of anger, if you’re anything like me my tendency when enraged is to break something- I had dollar store glasses ready to go! Or run. If I couldn’t run physically I’d run mentally- this is not necessarily a good thing as it is isolating. I’d want to cut myself off from everything and everyone. Then the sorrow, sometimes it was sweet and comforting and sometimes it was uncontrollable sobs that soaked whatever material was nearby; carpet, pillows, sofa, scarves or someone else’s shoulder.

I had to experience the full expression of each of these vital emotions in order to heal. I learned to dismiss the shame and embrace the utility of each phase as it happened and stop beating myself up for not ‘getting over this already’! Grief has no timeline. Along the way there were many moments of surrender, peace, empowerment and grace. I savoured those moments of freedom believing that more and more of these moments would be strung together and eventually become my new normal. I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t change the past I could only create a new future while I witnessed my present.

Life is good again

I believe each one of us, with the right tools and treatment, can rebuild a new life post loss. And that it can be better, even if it is different. It takes time, grieving, grace, hope and desire to overcome. This is resiliency. When tested I believe the human spirit is much stronger than we imagine. I am now living in a post crisis marriage. One that is built on redemption, forgiveness, restoration, truth, love, laughter and faithfulness. Life is good again.